this is 39

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Today is my birthday and I just made 39 mother-loving trips around the sun. Next year is 40. And no, I’m not freaking out or twirling around the idea of a mid-life crisis. Ryan has one of those at least every four months which is plenty of crises’ for both of us.  

If you’ve been hanging out with me for long enough you know bucket lists aren’t really my jam.

But fuck-it lists — that’s something I can really get behind. 

In honor of my 39th birthday, here are 39 things I’m NOT going to do before I turn 40. 

  1. Give a shit about my age, or turning 40. Kidding. I never did. And when your hubby will always be 4.5 years older than you, you’re always the younger one.

  2. Feeling guilty. This one took about a decade and I’m seriously over it now.

  3. Apologizing. Unless I legit screwed up. Otherwise, I say, “Thanks for your patience.”

  4. Saying, “I don’t have time.” It’s just as bad as saying I’m busy. Instead, I say it doesn’t align with my goals or current priorities. 

  5. Being cheap with myself. If I want the good wine, I’ll get the good wine. 

  6. Feeling bad about incessantly asking the kids to do things around the house — uterus rent MOFOs.

  7. Scrolling Instagram without a time limit. 

  8. Trying to enjoy violent stuff in movies and on TV. Now I just leave the room.

  9. Taking a week to make a decision. I’ll be saving space in my brain for quicker decisions and less decision-fatigue.

  10. Feeling shitty about my latest book project taking 3 years and counting. It takes as long as it takes.

  11. Pretending to be fine when I’m not fine. I can express how I’m feeling and not feel responsible for what others do with that information.

  12. Going through the motions.

  13. Socks.

  14. Telling the kids to “hurry up.” Maybe I’ll become someone who’s okay with being late or I’ll just become a time-bender, one or the other.

  15. Saying I’m not a napper. I’m almost 40 and I need a damn nap.

  16. Obligations. Only hell yeses get a yes. 

  17. Playing small in business. 

  18. Staying behind the scenes when I need to be playing out there.

  19. Creating a meditation habit. Seriously, I give up. My kids and the dog hear my exhale and come running. Walking meditation and sleeping meditation for the win.

  20. Small talk. Go deep or go home. Aren’t you looking forward to meeting me at a party?

  21. Gardening. I killed 4 houseplants this year — including 2 succulents and an air plant which I thought were indestructible.

  22. So much DOING. I’m embracing the do less, make more mentality. 

  23. Red hair. It’s too much work.

  24. Wondering if I need more notebooks. The answer is always yes.

  25. Forcing myself to read fiction. I read one fiction book this year! (for the record, it was City of Girls)

  26. Nagging. The husband, the kids, myself.

  27. Shooting for normal. Keeping it weird.

  28. Hiding the woo. Bring on the crystals, candles, and cards!

  29. Packing my calendar thinking I’ll have time

  30. Acting like I have my shit together when I don’t

  31. Trying to do #allthethings without asking for help or hiring

  32. Questioning my intuition

  33. Hanging onto clothes I haven’t worn in a year

  34. Thinking about the next goal before I meet the first one

  35. Making things work to avoid spending money — if it’ll simplify my life, then it’s a win

  36. Bringing home free stuff that I don’t need

  37. The temptation to jump on the complaining bandwagon — simply smile a knowing smile instead

  38. Assuming

  39. Forcing — instead, allow, surrender, relax

There are 3 things on my birthday wish list this year: 

  1. A bottle of 40-year old tawny port 

  2. New slippers

  3. You tear up your to-do list and make a fuck-it list instead