It's my birthday. So I made a fuck-it list.

Warning: F* Bombs ahead. Lots of them. Tea time!

Today is my birthday. It’s tempting to create an annual bucket list, instead, I made a fuck-it list.

Here are 36 things I’m not going to do anymore, in honor of, you know, turning 29.

  1. Giving a shit about my age. Kidding. I never did.
  2. Feeling guilty – for real. Pretty sure. This one is hard you guys.
  3. Apologizing. Unless of course, it actually was my fault.
  4. Saying, “I don’t have time”. This is the same thing as saying I’m busy. Instead, I’ll just say it doesn’t align with my goals, or mercury, or whatever. (PS – Mercury retrograde ends today – thank GOD!)
  5. Stop trying to drink less wine. “I’ll only drink on weekends” – said no mother and no happy person ever.
  6. Feeling bad about paying a house cleaner. I fired the last maid because she lied about cleaning the toilets and refused to use my homemade hippie cleaners. So I’m been doing it myself not doing it at all.
  7. Staring at my phone while my kids are talking to me.
  8. Apologizing for not being vegan anymore.
  9. Stop trying to like zombie movies and horror movies. Pass the HGTV please!
  10. Saying "no" so much. I’m not saying I’m all yeses up in here. Just paying attention to the no’s.
  11. Feeling bad about not finishing a project, a book, or a movie. If it sucks, I’m moving on.
  12. Judging. Okay, maybe next year. Judging out loud anyway.
  13. Making everyone happy. People can be mad sometimes, it builds character.
  14. Pretending to be happy when I’m not. There’s nothing wrong with being pissed off sometimes.
  15. Embracing mundane tasks. Even Oprah has to put deodorant on and put dishes in the dishwasher, maybe she doesn’t need to pick up dog shit, but we all do these things every day.
  16. Pants.
  17. Telling the kids to “hurry up”. They’re going to turn into grown-ups that are always hurrying up. I don’t want that.
  18. Swearing. Fuck that.
  19. Trying to lean in and do it all. I’m going to lay down.
  20. Obligations. That twist in my gut when I’m saying yes and I really want to say no. Nope, not gonna do it.
  21. Making goals for the sake of making goals.
  22. Running a marathon. It hurts, and unless I can write and run – I don’t want to do it.
  23. Meditate. Seriously, I give up. My kids, dog, and cats can hear my eyelids opening.
  24. Small talk. Go deep or go home.
  25. Worrying about money. Can’t take it with you when you go!
  26. Trying to “settle down” and find my, “forever home”. Digital nomad.
  27. Attempting to pee in the woods.
  28. Gardening. I reaped one tomato this year you guys. ONE. And I didn’t even get to eat it, I presume our neighborhood raccoon enjoyed it.
  29. Working late. Kidding! Already screwed this one.
  30. Fighting my introvertedness and forcing myself to be around people when I don’t want to be.
  31. Fear.
  32. Not having purple hair.
  33. Wondering, “do I really need another notebook?” Yes. Yes I do.
  34. Trying to read fiction.
  35. Anything to do with the words, “maintenance” or “home improvement”
  36. Ordinary. Keeping it weird.

My birthday wish is that you tear up your to-do list and make a fuck-it list instead.

Me. Zero Fucks Given with a Dumb Ass Bow on my Head.